When it's rape and you don't even know it...

Note: I use the term "he" and refer to men, husbands and male partners, because studies show that the female victim of a male partner is the most common and has the greatest consequences, and let's face it, I'm a feminist centreing women - however this can apply to any sexual partner of either sex.

Let's talk about boundaries. Sexual boundaries. Consent boundaries. The times when you can't say no, even when you want to. Sexual coercion and manipulation.

Manipulators use tactics like pressure, threats and trickery to make you agree to sex, and even make you believe that you consented. They might be a coworker, your boss, a new date, but in most cases it's the person you're already in a relationship with. In many cases, the sexual relationship has begun consensually, and a change in power dynamics triggers the coercion. But not always. It's been reported that the initial sexual experience for 1 in 16 women is violent rape, while more than half of women (from a study of over 13,000) reported being verbally pressured for their first time.

So what exactly is sexual coercion? Well, a strict definition doesn't exist, but it's the use of emotional manipulation to persuade you to have sex. There's quite a variety of things that fall into this category. But it's basically any tactic used by the perpetrator to get you to have sex with them when you didn't want to. Unfortunately, a lot of legislation still doesn't recognise sexual coercion as a crime. 

Have you ever been talked into having sex when you didn't want to? Did he pout and carry on like a toddler if you said you didn't feel like it? Were you threatened or blackmailed so that you would agree? Did he make you feel that you owed him sex, or that is your duty as a wife/girlfriend, that your body is his property? Did he ask you over and over until you caved? Did he threaten to leave, or to cheat, or kill himself if you didn't have sex? Have you been guilt-tripped into having sex? Have you been pressured into drinking before having sex? Have you had sex to avoid pissing him off?

Well, that's rape. All of it. It's emotional abuse. It's not consent because it's under duress. It's manipulative and it's abuse. Any sexual act without consent is rape.

I had all of those, and more. So many times that I can't count. I didn't think it was rape, because I gave in and agreed to it. But it is. And too many women, just like me, suffer marital rape without even realising. They can even begin to blame themselves for it. Many cultures indoctrinate females to submit, that it's a woman's job to please her husband, as if he owns her. But being in a relationship does not give them the right to do whatever they like with your body. If you are giving in to your partner because he says it's your job, your duty, this is not consent. If you're having sex because it's expected of you, this is not consent.

Some men are very good at wearing you down by repeatedly asking for sex until you give in. They also use lines such as "if you loved me you would do it" or because it's his birthday etc. He might make promises or offer rewards in return for sex. This is not consent. There's no physical force involved, but it's still sexual assault. Some will keep you awake so long that you'll give in from sheer exhaustion and sleep deprivation.

Many men will threaten repercussions if you say no. They might threaten ending the relationship. They might threaten to have sex with someone else, masturbate on you, watch porn, or use a prostitute. They might threaten violence or suicide. They might threaten to spread rumours or tell your boss. Some men go as far as threatening your children ("I'll do this to your daughter if you won't do it"). If you have sex because you're afraid of the consequences, that is not consent. They can also employ guilt trips or blame games - eg "you led me on" or calling you a pricktease, telling you that they did something nice for you so you should give them sex (I heard that one a lot). This is not consent. I also used to hear that he "gave me great sex" if he wanted something else, like a new video game. Eyeroll. If you know that refusing sex will result in anger, and/or violence, this is not consent.

It's been established more recently that being intoxicated negates consent because if impaired judgement. So if he is constantly refilling your glass, be wary. It's a common tactic to "loosen" a woman so she'll agree to sex. And of course we all know about date rape drugs. If he knows that you don't want to have sex, but keeps offering more and more alcohol, he is quite possibly trying to manipulate you into sex. This is not consent. This tactic has been found to be more common among non-intimate partners than intimate partners.

Now thankfully I'm free from that these days. But the effects still haunt me. Evidence suggests that victims of sexual coercion and manipulation have high rates of depression, anxiety and PTSD. Similar rates, in fact, to victims of violent rape. There are also adverse effects to women's reproductive and general health. In all of these cases, it would be wise to examine your relationship as a whole, because you may well be suffering abuse and manipulation in other areas. If this is the case, seek help immediately.

Your body, your choice. Nobody has the right to pressure you. Any sexual contact without your explicit consent is assault. 

References:

Hawks, L., Woolhandler, S., Himmelstein, D., Bor, D., Gaffney, A., McCormick, D. (2019) "Association between forced sexual initiation and health outcomes among US women." JAMA Internal Medicine 179 (11) pp1551-1558

Jeffrey, N., Barata, P. (2017) "'He Didn’t Necessarily Force Himself Upon Me, But . . . ': Women’s Lived Experiences of Sexual Coercion in Intimate Relationships With Men.” Violence Against Women 23 (8) pp911–33

Leahy, S. (2014) "'No means no' but where's the force? Addressing the challenges of formally recognising non-violent sexual coercion as a serious criminal offence." Journal of Criminal Law 78 (4) pp309-25

Ross, J., Drouin, M., Coupe, A. (2019) "Sexting coercion as a component of intimate partner polyvictimisation." Journal of Interpersonal Violence 34 (11) pp2269-91

Testa, M., Vanzile-Tamsen, C., Livingston, J. (2007) "Prospective Prediction of Women’s Sexual Victimization by Intimate and Nonintimate Male Perpetrators.” Journal of Consulting & Clinical Psychology 75 (1) pp52–60